Dear Idiot Friend:
I am doing this because I am your friend. I do not want to berate you; I do not want to judge you. I've know how you behave in these matters for a very, very long time. I know, too, that there are hundreds of millions of people out there Just. Like. YOU! who are as meaningfully clueless as a Bobsey-Twin mystery what they are doing wrong in finding the perfect someone. Being tired of your contradictory behavior, however, and in light of your most recent woeful wail to my person to explain the seemingly inexplicable, I am about to get on my high horse and tell you EXACTLY why.
Let's take a common-sense engineering approach: start by "defining the problem". You are crying--again! For the fifth time since the start of the calendar year--that nothing seems to be going right, that try as you might, you never get a chance at that one and only, that every date you go on has gaping flaws, and you wish SOMEone would cough up the magic formula "everyone else" succeeds with but no one ever passed to you on how to go about it! Mean things!
Next step: "identify the cause". I can see a few in the statement above; shall we touch on them first? "Nothing seems to be going right." You have a defeatist attitude. Guess what? If you think you won't succeed, you set yourself up not to even try. Why try, you think in that echoing black hole you pretend is a brain, when all you're going to reap is a failure? You "never get a chance". Malarkey! You get plenty of chances. I've seen you go out on SEVERAL dates in one single day! Not to mention bar-hopping, parties, socials, work, personals, internet... you do a lot of socializing. Seems to me you have more chances than you know what to do with! It ALSO seems to me that your priorities are a bit screwed up; you think that more opportunities is the solution. What's the sense in THAT? You don't make use of the opportunities you have! 100% and 150% of nothing gives you the same amount--NOTHING. "Every date ... has gaping flaws." Well, sonofagun! Imagine that; people are not perfect. Blinding news-flash for you: neither are you. A "magic formula 'everyone else' succeeds with." Really. Where??? This is like the idiotic "everybody knows relationships are easy". Another revelation: "everybody" knows no such thing, unless by everybody you mean the group consisting only of you. You are looking for a nice, effortless, NON-EXISTENT solution.
What do I see in that ocean of bewilderment? One glaringly obvious observation: you don't make an effort. Nope! You don't! Your expectation is that all efforts are to be made on your behalf, but never by you. You want to go out and enjoy yourself and have the gift handed over to you, nicely pre-packaged, wrapped and beribboned, complete with an easy-to-read one-step instruction manual: "For perfect mate: press this button." Your needs are to be categorically met without having to specify; the monumental contribution you should only have to make is to plunk yourself down in view. All roads lead to your Rome, and tribute is yours by natural right! You exist, so you are entitled. You told me it yourself, in so many ways I could choke on the fumes from that accumulation of garbage. You believe the other person should call you, not you them. You believe they should be up for whatever you decide you want to do, even if they have other plans. You believe they should be keeping their calendar wide open for you, ready for your avaiable free time, but heaven help them if they should intrude on yours. You believe they should lavish gifts on you, and if you express dislike or disappointment, they should take it back and get you a more valuable one pronto; otherwise, they are not suitable companionship for you if they won't buy exactly what you want, when you want it--not doing that means they don't care about you! You also believe with utter certainty that you are right. All the time. In all of this! (I'm still shaking my head over that one!) Let me ask you this; if you are so right in your own estimation, why is everything going so wrong, again in your own estimation? Answer me that!
The next big bungle is: you don't think. Pretty obvious from the above, but let's go over a few other key points to show you where else you are majorly screwing up. Relationships that keep going indefinitely circulate; they don't stagnate or drain. It's a partnership, a sharing. One person supports the other; they take turns being the leaning post with each other. They give something needed, they get something they need. Get something needed, give something needed. Round and round. What are you offering? The opportunity to empty their pocketbook on your altar? The joy parking it by the phone in the hopes that you will call, fearing they might miss you? (Though I don't know why they should bother; you don't call anyway.) The ineffable ecstacy of offering up their heart, so you can put it on a plate and dice it up, showing them just how unsatisfactory it is to you? Gosh! Why on earth doesn't anyone take you up on that?
You don't give. That should have been obvious from the above as well. You take in, but you don't give out. all your statements reflect a "me-me-me-me-me!" attitude. Where in any of them are you giving the person you consider important enough to grace with your presence ANY of the same consideration that you demand? Everything you do, every action you take, proclaims in unison: "No matter what you do, or gift you bring, or care you lavish on me, I am so much better than you that I should get all, and you none. You are not up to the standard of my greatness." If you have a working braincell left alive, I'd ask you to consider how you would feel if they slung that attitude back at you. But that thought might just blow your remaining chance at cognitive thought, so I'm not gonna! You wait until you are out on your anniversary date with a seriously involved guy, who brings you flowers, escorts you around, buys you a nice dinnerzat a fancy restaurant and brings you a lovely gift, and you decide to break up with him, and it NEVER occurs to you that maybe, just possibly, you might have HURT HIS FEELINGS??? Good night! And you still mourn that he does not call!
In a nutshell? You are selfish. S-E-L-F-I-S-H, selfish! When you are on the lookout for the possibility of a certain someone, you do not think of the other person; you think only of yourself. You don't look at who the person is themselves; just at how they do not meet your criteria. You home in on flaws and ignore virtues, emphasizing the negative and discarding the positive as trash. Let me tell you this: looking only at the lack focuses your concentration on what you are not getting. You will never pay attention to the gold under your nose if your eyes are focused on everyone else's wallets.
Supermely, utterly selfish and self-centered. Walk into the bathroom, take a look in your mirror, and OWN UP TO IT!
And now, do something about it. Final stage: "construct a solution". Here's a thought! Next guy you date, stop for just half a minute, and think about what it is you like in him. 30 seconds; that's all! Surely you can spare that much time of your busy schedule admiring how great a catch YOU are to think of the person next to you. I know; it goes against every instinct you posess. Humor me.
Next: make a &*#&$)@#$ EFFORT! Yep. Pick up your dainty little hand and burn a few calories showing some reciprocal appreciation. You've defined the rules yourself: "If they don't make an effort, they don't care about me." Whuhl, hully gee, Maw! You aren't making an effort; clue me in--what does that say about you? You know, it's not even an association they have to make; you are already doing it in your own head. You think of them as worthless, because you don't see yourself making any efforts to keep them around. So you stay just long enough to get what you want out of them, and then move on. You don't care about them, you just care about what they can give you, and when it's used up... well, no more reason for you to stay, is there? So either stop wasting your AND their time on a situation you are sure is going nowhere, and seek out what you want elsewhere, or if you decide there is enough worthwhile in fornt of you to stay, try to develop its potential. Instead of sucking it dry--that's not love; that's appetite.
****Taken from a luncheon date last week****